Tuesday, July 31, 2007

New Diet

I was thinking maybe I need to change my diet to assist in my uber-healthy new me. I was going through some old email, and came across the story below, and realized, nah, I'll stick to things that are safe.

[The Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for Harley and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door...]

So remember next time you're thinking of dieting, it might not be the best idea. :)



Something so simple

I was sent this today and had to share. This really cracks me up at how something so simple can be made to be so hate filled.

[Interpreting Irish Art....


At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The
painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park
bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the
middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He
went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,
patriarchal society "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics
believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and
sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary
society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?"asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact,
there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
three Irish coal miners.

The guy in the middle went home for lunch."]

Seriously, did you not just laugh? That totally cracked me up yet saddened me all at the same time. How messed up is our society? I'm sure I mean that as a rhetorical question, right?

I luv kitty

The weekend following my birthday, I headed up to Dallas to hang with 2 of the coolest people on planet Earf, my bro and sis-in-law. They are so much fun! We played a crash 'em up, burn 'em up, destroy 'em car game on his new ps3 - FUN! We attempted to watch Norbit - LAME! We shopped at the Galleria. I got to replace the missing nose piece on my Oakley's and discovered they have a new AWESOME pair of pink shades there. Oh, it was torturous not purchasing them.

On Saturday, when we were coming back from shopping, we stopped by an amusement park and raced each other in go-carts. Oh it was fun! Then we headed home...to eat CAKE. A Hello Kitty, double layer Chocolate Cake. YUMMY! On, and I love Hello Kitty, have since I was old enough to walk.

I went into kitty-gasm when I visited Tokyo Japan a few years back and got to see Hello Kitty shops almost the size of Wal-Mart. It truly was Hello Kitty Heaven.

I was also given a Hello Kitty Towel and Hand Towel. They are both adorable.

And finally there is the Hello Kitty Lunch Box. This thing rocks! Then there is the pink camo thermos. Okay, I can die now. My life is complete.

Oh, wait, not yet, my pipes haven't arrived for my bike. I feel like I'm trying to get thru to an operator that services myspace pages...and we all know how long it takes to load a myspace page, imagine how long it would take an operator to "trouble shoot" the problem. HA HA HA!


Mo was quite talkative this trip too. He's so silly! You can see he is talking to me while I'm taking his picture.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Weight gain 4000 revisited

"4,000 grams of saturated fat per serving"..."May Cause Irreversible damage to the Kidneys and Liver"



On Saturday, Alex and I visited an apothecary of sorts where you can get all kinds of good stuff like "Weight Gain 4000". Oddly enough, we were there to pick up something similar. Alex is using this stuff properly, unlike Mr. Cartman, and is looking rather fantastic if I do say so myself. As we were standing in this store for what felt like hours, which was really only about 1.5 minutes, I tried my hardest not to repeat "Beefcake! BEEFcake! BEEFCAKE!" but every second we were in there, was like an hour and I couldn't do it. I stared at the floor, the door, THE ESCAPE, oh, I mean exit, the walls, I tried to distract myself. But no, the laughter was welling up in me like the nausea in the boys of Southpark when they smoked the Mara-ju-wana as Counselor Makey calls it.

And finally, my moment of relief, when I just couldn't handle the silence another second...the store operator smiles at me and says, "Hey, I know you!" I was instantly distracted and didn't get escorted from the premises. Whew!

But now, I secretly repeat it..."Beefcake, BEEFcake, BEEFCAKE!"

Ab obsession


Well, Chuck stopped by to encourage me to keep up the hard work. He mentioned I might have a torture device fetish and that I also might need to seek professional help, but all in all, he said things are pretty good.

So I have another confession. I haven't shown all of my exercise equipment yet. I do still have yet another torture device to reveal. I have to say, I haven't mastered it AT ALL though. I guess that might make one assume that I had mastered the other torture devices. Well, that just ain't true. Ha! I use the wheel of torture often, and I do mean often, however, I have yet to "fully extend" with it. Well, I take that back, I did one time. ONE...TIME. I extended, but there was no pulling back on that baby as I was full plant on the ground lying on my belly.

So here it is, the Ab Trainer as I have recently come to learn it's pseudo official name.

The version I have is a little different but not enough to make an impact. It seems like as you use this device, it isn't doing anything for you. The first time I used it I was up in the 40's with my count of crunches thinking nothing was happening. And then...I tried to stand up. O...M...G... I was horribly mistaken. My abs just hadn't been able to SCREAM at me yet as they were just shredded.

This is a rather interesting piece of equipment. Until a few minutes ago, I didn't realize the variations on exercises you can do with it. I am a little excited now to try some of them when I get home. We'll see if it's truly excitement or a relapse from the RedBull I drank during lunch.

So for those of you that may not know, Starbucks Double Shot has more caffeine in it than RedBull per ounce. Don't believe me...check for yourself. StarbucksDoubleShot versus Red Bull. But I digress again.

Stability Ball

Oh, I so wish I was talking about a formal ball that you attend once you reach a certain level of stability in your life. Alas, none of us would actually ever be in attendance I am afraid. Anyway, on to my actual topic, and I'm stalling because soon, someone is going to accuse me of being an exercise freak. I only wish that were true, cause if it was, I'd be in fantastic shape. Well, here it is, the Stability ball is another exercise item I have in my repertoire.
This is actually a very versatile piece of equipment and relatively easy to maintain. It's also a great ball to bounce and chase the dog around the house with invoking almost involuntary shrills from him. But I digress. I have found that you can work out just about every muscle using this ball in some fashion. One of my favorite exercises on this is the seated abdominal crunch. It looks easy...but oh does it ever sneak up on you.

The ball I have is actually white, well, used to be white, it's now a lovely shade of blah from exposure to the fantastic non-natural lighting in the house. I actually own two of these. No particular reason as I cannot imagine a single rendition of an exercise that would require two balls. (I'm sorry, I have to stop typing for a moment while I regain my breath... as I just completely cracked myself up...).

If you haven't ever tried using one of these great devices, do so now. They are worth the $20 that they cost.

P.M.S. Sufferer

THERE, I've said it, I suffer from PMS. I cannot help it. It is not my fault. It's this dang city I live in. Unless you're just crazy out of your mind and love the weather, you too probably suffer from a severe case of PMS. You a motorcyclist? Then of course you suffer from it...PARKED MOTORCYCLE SYNDROME. I mean, come on, how many days straight can it rain? My poor little bike has sat, and sat, and sat, and... you get the point. She is so lonely. She wishes she had been born a row boat or a jet ski, then she'd be more useful at present.
Well, Annie is in for a huge surprise. If you notice Annie's hideous exhaust (sorry Annie, it really is hideous) I just ordered a new sexy exhaust. I ordered singles - Cobra slashcut drag pipes. My baby's gonna be a drag queen! Aww... Oh, she's gonna purr like a lion instead of a kitten. I have been requested to remove the baffles when I put on the new pipes. So, say goodbye to my hearing...Annie's gonna be LOUD!

I'm hoping that the rain will let up for a day or two once the pipes come in so I can get a bit of work done on her and to her. I'm going to install the new exhaust and do an airbox mod so she can hopefully cure her asthma. She has a horrible case and her inhalers don't seem to be working. I also need to install a signal tripper and the rest of her blue LED lights with the master controller box. Once those things are done, it's time to go in to the shop for a rejetting. YAY!

I think I should have a contest with myself to see if there is anything else left on this bike to chrome beyond the tank, tins, and seat. I bet I can find something :) An even more exciting contest would be to challenge Amy to see if she can put more chrome on her bike than I have on my bike. Hmm... wheels in head are starting to turn. (Someone get the WD40, we got a squeaker here!)

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

The WAVE

I'm not talking about the kind at a sports event, or the kind in the ocean, I'm talking about the wave between 2 motorcyclists passing each other on a road. For me, this has got to be one of the most defining moments between 2 wheels and cagers. I remember the first time I was rolling around on my own and had a wave. My heart leaped from my chest. Was I part of this secret society? Could it be, was he waving at me? Alas, it was I. And I smiled all the way to my destination.

Some times I am passed by and not waved at, as I am a chick on a bike, and there are some folks that don't like to share the 2 wheel world with chicks. Then there are those that just plain don't understand what a privilege it is to be part of the 2 wheel world, so they don't know about the secret road handshake. And finally there are the others that think they are too cool to share the secret road handshake, and to them, I have another not so secret handshake... hee hee hee. It's a wave of the one finger kind! HA!

Well anyway, for those that haven't ever been on 2 wheels, you will never understand this instant and unpredictable induction into a secret society and the rush you get when it occurs. I can't say as I know the "proper" protocol for the road handshake, but I do my best.

Blasts from the past

I can't believe I'm going to reveal the skinny person's secret... but here you have it... here it is. The ultimate way to stay thin and eat everything you've ever wanted.

Oh, btw, I'm totally kidding. Though many have asked me if I myself have a tapeworm, to which I reply "Of course", I wouldn't advice others actually going out and buying them.

This advertisement from the past completely cracks me up. Who thinks up this schtuff?

Given that the advertisement says "No Ill Effects" , "Easy To Swallow", and "No Danger", does that mean that people actually tried them out? For real? Ha! We do some crazy things in the 2000's but Tapeworms, seriously, thank goodness that is a blast from the past?

Okay, I'm off my tapeworm soapbox. Really was never on it, I'm just still blown away if this is a real advertisement.

Scoff if you will, but I think that normal people have a little lard in their diet. I mean, have you ever been walking around Whole Foods or Central Market and had the weird food crazed people about knock you over to get to what they are looking for? My theory on that is if their cart is completely full, then they are not shopping at a "normal" store for any food, therefore they are missing something in their diet ... the thing that makes them crazed. They continually search and search and search for that food that their body is craving, only to knock over the folks that are content cause they eat real food. Now, folks like me that occasionally shop at these places and pick up a few items, say Hawaiian Grog coffee or something of that sort, cannot be classified as one of these crazed individuals.

What scares me the most are the parents that are pushing their completely full cart in these stores with a child in the kid chair. OMG! That means they are going to pass on the disease. The, "I can't satisfy myself with this food" disease. Folks like me will forever be in harms way at these crazed stores.

So I again took a step up on my soap box...ha ha ha... but if you are a crazed food store person, think about it for a little bit. Lard = happiness. In the right proportion, it will not kill you.

Okay, I might start smoking just cause I love this ad. I think this is AWESOME! Go ahead hand me a pack of fags.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Meetings


How many days do we feel like this? Oh my last job was like this almost every day. My current job is awesome. I still think there are days like this though but only because I'm so crazy busy. I would love to be able to use this line on someone in the office just to see their reaction.

I would love to shake Mr. Glasbergen's hand for this great comic he created. It is so spot on.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

The AbWheel... major torture device


This has to be the most torturous invention out there. The creator of this device is a truly sick and twisted person. In the words of my good friend Mo'Niqu, "but I like it now!" Actually, I have to say, this has been the stand alone device that has chiseled my abs. I didn't believe it could happen and happen so quickly...well, seeing results that is.

I was really shocked when I was searching online for a pic of this contraption and found the following blatant copyright infringement ever... you judge for yourself...


Can you see the horrible job they did at morphing my abs onto this poor soul's body? Seriously, what were they thinking?

Ha ha, I'm apparently totally delusional. I am working toward having my first layer of the 6 pack. What's really cool is that even after the first evening of using this rather torturous device, I noticed the layer of abs that's so hard for ladies to affect, was actually a little flatter and for that matter, really sore. I guess I should mention which part of the abs I think that is. I think the lower abs are way too hard to affect. But the wheel is going to change that for me.

I did stumble upon that picture today, and I'm including the website as well because it seemed like a really good exercise routine to get that sexy 6 pack of abs. Well, I might decide to take photos of my progress to encourage others. See, I hate that most advertisements have only the "after" photo. Never really the before photos or the progression marked with "real" dates. It's easy to sell a product when you look HOTTT! But you could clear out your inventory if you were straight forward and showed the progression. Anyway, I harp... I'll stop.

So my disclaimer is that I'm not going to take Cartman's "weight gain 4000" to help me bulk up. I don't need nor do I want hair on my chest either. So I'm just going to attempt eating well and following the regimen here: 6packABs.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

If Mary Kay had a cat...

If Mary Kay had a cat, I would imagine this would be a photo of the adorable little kitty sitting on MK's desk at work in Dallas.

I can also imagine MK would have been giggling herself something fierce while trying to steady the camera to snap the photo. She would be thinking to herself, well my my look at that little kitty so intrigued with the powder brush.

MK has got to be one of the greatest ladies that ever lived. And did she ever live?!?! She has left one of the most profound lasting impressions on ladies around the globe. Her legacy was their survival. Be strong, be bold, be proud, be woman. What a fantastic lady.