Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Cowboy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for
a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the
other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would
be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every
day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired
hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch
looks great. You should go into town and kick up your
heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned
around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her
boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in
the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and
dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my
clothes into town again, you're fired.'


(Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.)

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Gateway to Betty Ford

Maybe I'm growing. I just don't know. Maybe my laptop really is a lush. I just don't know. Not too long ago, I was drinking a cup of coffee. It was a Friday morning. I was sitting with my laptop on the arm of the chair, my cat on my lap, and reached for my coffee. My laptop reached right out and took a huge sip. I was appalled. My laptop has snagged a sip of my water before. Then the horror! The sheer horror. Friday. It was 5 a.m. My laptop clearly had a problem, but I hadn't recognized it in time. One split second, and down the hatch. That double shot of Goldschlagger was more than my little laptop could handle. That Gateway was down for the count. 10. . . no vital signs. . . 9 . . . no pulse . . . 8 . . . now the keys are sticking. . . 7 . . . oh no! . . . 6 . . . the internal sound continues to beep. . . 5 . . . We've declared a winner!

And the Gateway stopped in to see Betty Ford. Please people, don't let your laptops have access to alcohol. Well, my Gateway checked itself out of the clinic and is on it's way to the gutter. I tried to help it. Jess tried to help it. Now, all that is left is a shell of the old laptop. My little laptop served me well. Good luck. G-d's speed. And I'll miss you.