Along with the absolutely annoying design of my suit with its Fauckets, I have also become plagued with a problem that occurs in the ladies room. See, when I sit down, some how the heel of my high heel shoe keeps getting entangled in the hem of my pants. When I stand + pull up pants, I am now stuck in my pants. If I start to lose my balance because I've just whisked the shoes out from under me caught in the pants, and go to take a step to regain my balance, I then yank the pants back down (potentially crashing to the floor). If I haven't regained my balance, I could knock myself out cold in these stalls made of metal. Now that would be embarrasing.
I haven't figured out a fix for this wardrobe malfunction and I have more than one set of pants that causes this problem.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I Really Do Hate Fauckets
Did your head just cock to the side as you read that? Well, let me explain a Faucket to you. You see, everyone at some time in there life had been plagued by some really bad decision that was made probably centuries ago. I wear a ladies business suit to work every day. A high percentage of ladies suits lack pants pockets. That's not necessarily a problem as the jacket usually has pockets in it. However, *dun dun dun duuuuuun* my Faucket is actually in place of the real pocket. It looks like I have a pocket, when in fact I really have a useless external flap of material. *mind starts to wander* . . . back to my Faucket. I have had Fauckets in some of my slacks, usually on the backside. And then I've come to realize that they were actually sewn shut full blown pockets. I have ripped that stitching right out of there and then been on my way smiling with a real pocket.
Today I am plagued with no pockets in the pants, and 2 Fauckets in the jacket. And no additional stitching present to reveal that in fact it is a sewn shut pocket. ARGH! So to everyone and their Fauckets, I feel for you.
Today I am plagued with no pockets in the pants, and 2 Fauckets in the jacket. And no additional stitching present to reveal that in fact it is a sewn shut pocket. ARGH! So to everyone and their Fauckets, I feel for you.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Today's Secret Word Is
I decided a couple weeks back to entertain myself Pee Wee Herman style and determine a daily secret word. This word is usually derived from some absolutely horrific topic being discussed by the social retards around me. For your amusement, you can join in with me today. So Conky, what's today's secret word?
"Today's secret word is MRI."
Remember boys and girls, anytime you hear today's secret word you must SCREAM real loud!!!
Yup, you guessed it. Jar Jar Binks has a regularly scheduled MRI at the local loon farm. Of which, she hadn't made it 10 walker paces inside the door before blurting it out so that "everyone will know where she is if they are looking for her." HA!!! No one ever looks for you while you're gone. We all actually celebrate.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Everyone, EVERYONE, Let's focus on ME right now
Well, I'm happy to report that excel a-hole has retired. I should have followed up with that a long time ago, I just got behind. So there was a great celebration Jan 10th (day after his retirement). I went out for drinks in his honor.
So it seems that you can really never get away from at least 1 coworker that is like nails on a chalkboard annoying. My cross to bear (listen to me...LOL) is someone that I refer to as Jar Jar Binks, though I really should be discussing as well Lady Slinky, and Toe Jam. I'm surrounded by, what I refer to as, the Geriatric Ward Level 13 Southeast Corner. Jar Jar Binks, though a boy on Star Wars, is in my case a woman. In my opinion, Jar Jar Binks on Star Wars is the comic relief, rather clumsy and rarely useful character; as is my coworker. Though the comic relief is actually comic disbelief, as you must really stretch to find humor with anything she has to say. Then there is Lady Slinky, she earned her badge of honor after I was sent a little cartoon about people that are like slinkies, pretty much worthless but put a smile on your face as you watch them tumble down a flight of stairs. And then finally, Toe Jam, an appropriate name I just invented for the "VOICE OVER THE WALL". I should actually refer to her as the Wizard, as in the Wizard of Oz, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." She has no concept of inside voice or library voice. She has no concept of personal space, and no concept of appropriate work topics. I really don't want to hear about finding a good gynecologist that must really enjoy his job so much so that she's willing to travel 2 hours to visit him. So her name is derived from well Toe Jam, what is your initial reaction when you hear that combination or words? Exactly. "EEEEEW GROSS." That's pretty much my reaction every time I hear Toe Jam talking, especially to Jar Jar or Slinky. I will also point out that Toe had to inform everyone of her need to wear this HUGE boot for her foot surgery. As if people couldn't see it on their own. She had exaggerate her every movement to emphasize the boot's existence.
Now back to Jar Jar. Jar Jar is yet another "VOICE OVER THE WALL" for me. She is really today's inspiration for this post. There's always got to be one in every crowd. The person that is socially retarded to some extreme and needs to redirect every topic of conversation back to a focus on them. Then usually they proceed to dominate the conversation with stuff like, "Oh yeah, well you think that's bad, listen to this..." Yes, the perpetual 1-upper strikes again in my life. I sit around a series of 1-uppers. When they get into a 1-up fest, it's no holds barred hand-to-hand combat of who will be victorious in being crowd the days supreme 1-upper.
Today's phrase - hence the reason I have resorted back to my headphones music blaring stance - "well you know, my mommy lost all motor control this weekend. And you know it's hard for me to navigate around with this walker..." *pop* inserts earphones.
I just really don't want to hear it. You know?
More to come on Slinky, *in the weakest most annoying mousy voice* "I have to have an ergo chair because as you know my back is really bad, and ..."
Toe Jam, "I told you not to drink the water, see massive diarrhea is not fun."
HA, HA, HA I have novels of inappropriate quotes to post on the Trio. Stay tuned.
Oh, I failed to mention that Jar Jar appears to have a number of personalities. And yes, they do talk to each other. Often they respond to conversations in which they are not a part - Jar Jar's personalities that is. More to come on that as well.
So it seems that you can really never get away from at least 1 coworker that is like nails on a chalkboard annoying. My cross to bear (listen to me...LOL) is someone that I refer to as Jar Jar Binks, though I really should be discussing as well Lady Slinky, and Toe Jam. I'm surrounded by, what I refer to as, the Geriatric Ward Level 13 Southeast Corner. Jar Jar Binks, though a boy on Star Wars, is in my case a woman. In my opinion, Jar Jar Binks on Star Wars is the comic relief, rather clumsy and rarely useful character; as is my coworker. Though the comic relief is actually comic disbelief, as you must really stretch to find humor with anything she has to say. Then there is Lady Slinky, she earned her badge of honor after I was sent a little cartoon about people that are like slinkies, pretty much worthless but put a smile on your face as you watch them tumble down a flight of stairs. And then finally, Toe Jam, an appropriate name I just invented for the "VOICE OVER THE WALL". I should actually refer to her as the Wizard, as in the Wizard of Oz, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." She has no concept of inside voice or library voice. She has no concept of personal space, and no concept of appropriate work topics. I really don't want to hear about finding a good gynecologist that must really enjoy his job so much so that she's willing to travel 2 hours to visit him. So her name is derived from well Toe Jam, what is your initial reaction when you hear that combination or words? Exactly. "EEEEEW GROSS." That's pretty much my reaction every time I hear Toe Jam talking, especially to Jar Jar or Slinky. I will also point out that Toe had to inform everyone of her need to wear this HUGE boot for her foot surgery. As if people couldn't see it on their own. She had exaggerate her every movement to emphasize the boot's existence.
Now back to Jar Jar. Jar Jar is yet another "VOICE OVER THE WALL" for me. She is really today's inspiration for this post. There's always got to be one in every crowd. The person that is socially retarded to some extreme and needs to redirect every topic of conversation back to a focus on them. Then usually they proceed to dominate the conversation with stuff like, "Oh yeah, well you think that's bad, listen to this..." Yes, the perpetual 1-upper strikes again in my life. I sit around a series of 1-uppers. When they get into a 1-up fest, it's no holds barred hand-to-hand combat of who will be victorious in being crowd the days supreme 1-upper.
Today's phrase - hence the reason I have resorted back to my headphones music blaring stance - "well you know, my mommy lost all motor control this weekend. And you know it's hard for me to navigate around with this walker..." *pop* inserts earphones.
I just really don't want to hear it. You know?
More to come on Slinky, *in the weakest most annoying mousy voice* "I have to have an ergo chair because as you know my back is really bad, and ..."
Toe Jam, "I told you not to drink the water, see massive diarrhea is not fun."
HA, HA, HA I have novels of inappropriate quotes to post on the Trio. Stay tuned.
Oh, I failed to mention that Jar Jar appears to have a number of personalities. And yes, they do talk to each other. Often they respond to conversations in which they are not a part - Jar Jar's personalities that is. More to come on that as well.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Mall with my dad
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Cool Christmas Gift
"With a Gloss Rosewood exterior and a fine Spanish Cedar interior, this humidor will maintain up to 100 Cigars in perfect condition. A finely crafted Spanish Cedar tray and dividers are included. It is meticulously made and has Gold Plated hidden quadrant hinges and lock & key. The humidors include a hygrometer and a humidification system. The interior is lined with Spanish Cedar, which helps retain humidity, while preserving the cigars. It also enhances the aroma and taste, and deters bugs from destroying wrappers."
You would think that living in h-town would make this humidor easy to get to 70% humidity. Oddly enough, I'm still working at it. I think I need to get the polyglycol that is recommended. Off to the cigar shop I go, oh so torturous!
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