Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, 'The Randolph Leader', a local newspaper in Alabama, reported the following:

After digging as deep as 30 yards in cotton fields near Wedowee in Randolph County, Todd Dunnavant, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Todd has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Alabama had already gone wireless.'

USRSF

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These mostly Southern boys will be dropped off into Afghanistan and will be given only the following facts about the Taliban:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.

Applications are available at your local Wal-Mart sporting goods counter.

The Cowboy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for
a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the
other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would
be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every
day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired
hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch
looks great. You should go into town and kick up your
heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned
around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her
boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in
the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and
dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my
clothes into town again, you're fired.'


(Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either.)

Mall with my dad

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Feminine Protection

Aren't you glad we don't have to use this once a month?

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A:
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? (And you might want to get out of the way!)
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road.
What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty!?
You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was all we needed to know.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, but went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.?
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Office Procedures Concerning Storm and Office Closings ...

As we watch the progress of the storm, the following are the firm's guidelines based upon the hurricane's intensity:

Hurricane Category #1
No excuse for being late. Leave earlier to give extra time to avoid fallen trees and limbs.

Hurricane Category #2
Due to the horizontal rain, you may wear jeans.

Hurricane Category #3
Whereas most of the area will be flooded we suggest you avoid wearing open toe sandals when coming to work. Canoes will be provided to get to the building safely without getting wet.

Hurricane Category #4
More than likely there will be no electricity. Given that, we will have manual typewriters available to all staff members. Please take extra caution and wear water-proof make-up if Category 4 or above.

Hurricane Category #5
Velcro will be provided to keep you attached to your chairs when the windows blow out. For those that survive, we will have chocolate cake at 3:00 pm in the kitchen.

I Love Americans!

Aww, don't you just love Americans?

Mr. Gay

Ah, those crazy gays!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
. . .

Stress

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture. The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins . The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing. Look at the photograph and if you find more than two differences you may want to take a vacation.

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By the way, I am currently on vacation until further notice ;-)

New Diet

I was thinking maybe I need to change my diet to assist in my uber-healthy new me. I was going through some old email, and came across the story below, and realized, nah, I'll stick to things that are safe.

[The Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for Harley and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door...]

So remember next time you're thinking of dieting, it might not be the best idea. :)

Something so simple

I was sent this today and had to share. This really cracks me up at how something so simple can be made to be so hate filled.

[Interpreting Irish Art....


At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The
painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park
bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the
middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He
went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,
patriarchal society "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics
believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and
sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary
society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?"asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact,
there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
three Irish coal miners.

The guy in the middle went home for lunch."]

Seriously, did you not just laugh? That totally cracked me up yet saddened me all at the same time. How messed up is our society? I'm sure I mean that as a rhetorical question, right?